the ever-struggle - a poem

Just to offer context for this poem: I love life at the UO. It has been socially, educationally and spiritually edifying to be here, and I will continue to love it here, I am sure. But, these last few weeks I have felt drowned in trying to find the balance between studying, working and de-stressing.. And I have found that what seems to be suffering the most is my relationship with Jesus. It is that closest relationship that the stresses of my life strain... and this bothers me. It manifests itself in big ways, in how I relate to the world, and in more subtle ways, like thinking about Merleau-Ponty's "Cogito" while reading my Bible at meal times and between classes and having no idea what I've read. When I realized how long its been since I dedicated the whole of my heart and mind to Jesus for a specific moment, this is what came out.



The ever struggle: living center focused in and edge focused world.

I just want to abandon myself to the will of the Lord. I want to make my Maker my Master so that He can master the decisions I make. I am sick of sin creeping in…again. And the feeling of it leaves me empty and sick.

How disgusted must He be- The Spirit of the living God who lives in me-? I am living like a stranger, when I am the daughter of the King.

How easy I think it would be, to live to You and die to me if I was not stuck here, all wrapped in new clothes, drowning in headphones. I want to be let go, by the grip of the world, by the overflow.

How can I live with so much opportunity and squander all my gifts? How can I fail in apathy? And tell me how to start again, in this world. I’m drowning in this overflow.

Jesus, I can’t see you beyond the books and coffees, I can’t see you beyond the work and receipts!!! But sometimes I think that beyond the laughter filling up my room, you are weeping for me.