how I hate school and think it should just rot

okay, so.. I actually love learning things. I love the feeling of thinking so hard your head spins and you just have no idea what is happening. I love those "aha" moments when something finally clicks. I love the struggle of the mind to wrap around ideas just out of reach.

You see, in moments like these I worship God through the use of my mind. In fact, I used to hold a good theological debate as the one kind of worship that got my blood racing. With thoughts racing and spinning and dancing and jumping and diving, testing one another in what comes across as a dramatic and urgent quest for truth, how could you help but be elated to know the Lord of the mind?

And then there is school. And panic attacks over what one stupid assignment with no instructions and an expectation of understanding is going to do to my grades. and my chance to get into grad school. and my life. ugh.

Basically, I have a lazy teacher. She is only assigning us 4 assignments. She apparently does not want to grade a whole lot. on the last two assignments I have gotten 100% (go me). Then, on the first of two tests, for which we were supposed to "just study homework assignments" I got 75%. Great. Now assignment 3, which I am supposed to email in by 10am, has no instructions, nor does it look like anything in my notes, lecture slides or text book. So, yeah, I am freaking out. Because - didn't I mention? its 9am.

after 3 hours of struggling over trying to figure this out I was officially in panic attack mode. I mean like shaky-hands, close-to-tears, rocking-back-and-forth, almost-called-my-mom-twice panic attack.

So much for worship through intellect.

But really. Doesn't loving God "with all your mind" mean giving 100% to your homework assignments and doing them as if you were submitting them to Jesus or something? Am I not supposed to go to school and get good grades in order to love God with my mind, as an intelligent young person privileged enough to grow up where I did and have this opportunity?

Or is it possible that loving God with my mind doesn’t involve panic attacks about a really dumb assignment? Is it possible that loving God with my mind means something else entirely?
Is it possible that loving God with all my mind is just there not as a mandate but as a piece of the description to love God with every part of me- a description of the kind of love that pours out of and into every moment of my life, every fiber of my being?
Is it possible that in order to live out that kind of love I should look not to the stodgy world of academia, but should look to the depth of the text of the Scriptures, look to the community of the Church, look to the world around me and look to the depths of my soul where somewhere, somehow the Spirit of the living God indwells me?
Now, I really don’t want to freak out my parents or anything, so let me just say that I have every intention of finishing school. I do not think that the structures of academia and loving God with your mind are mutually exclusive. I just do not think they are the same thing.
I am daring to dream that God has more for me than anxiety over not knowing what to write on a piece of paper.

frustrated and worshipping

So, lately I have been really frustrated. I am working really hard and I am extremely exhausted. You know how little kids can get so tired that they just cry? Yeah. I reached that point one week ago today. I was walking to work at 6:30am and talking on the phone with my mom and I just cried. like a three year old. I was THAT tired. So I got off of work early and I skipped classes for the day... And came home to find out that my roommate was sick. Now, I hadn't been feeling well for three days before that.. But she was sick. She couldn't talk or stand up. So my room turned into a really gross place and I slept on the couch for a week. But unfortunately it is hard to sleep in the living room of a tiny apartment while other people in the apartment aren't quite ready for bed.. So since my three-year-old-crying-moment I have averaged 4 hours of sleep on an uncomfortable couch.

And that brings us to today. And midterms. this morning I should have gotten up at 6. Instead I got up at 6:30. My roommate was trying to be a doll and did some of my laundry last night... however when I woke up I found that every pair of jeans I own was in the washing machine along with both of my work shirts. awesome. So what was my response? I just stared at them and cried. Yup. For like 5 minutes.

But it turned out okay. I wore sweats to work and no one cared (they are trying to get me to accept a promotion because most of the people I work with are incompetent). Anyway, it was fine. And now I am back at my apartment, taking a break from studying for two midterms I am probably not going to do really well on.

But I am frustrated. I am frustrated that both of my jobs are stupid, my Bible study seems to be increasingly elementary and irreverent, my roommates are rude, my homework is hard, my health is never good, I'm out of cell phone minutes for the month so I can't just talk to my mom, I never seem to have enough money to pay the bills without stress, everyone is always asking me to edit their papers, the apartment is always trashed, I work Monday-Saturday (which means I have to wear jeans Monday-Saturday and I want to be in sweats), my plans for next year are up in the air and I have no idea how i'm making money this summer.

But a strange thing has been happening. My prayer time has been very quite. And calm. Nothing else in my life has been restful, but in this I am led beside still waters. Despite my lack of self-control and my sin and anger that keep piling up, God is restoring my soul. I am delivered every day to the most passionate love in existence and swept away by the beauty of the Lover of my soul. I don't know how things are going to turn out, or how I am going to survive this term, or even whether I am going to survive it, but I know in whom I have believed. I trust my love completely (at least in this moment), and although my love is of the sort that is not constant, his love for me is everlasting.

I am tired and frustrated, but I rest in my faith and I see the deliverance of God working in my life.

I love the LORD, for he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy.
Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live. The snares of death encompassed me, the pangs of Sheol laid hold on me, I suffered distress and anguish.

Then I called on the name of the LORD: "O, LORD, I pray, deliver my soul!"

GRACIOUS IS THE LORD, AND RIGHTEOUS; OUR GOD IS MERCIFUL.

The LORD preserves the simple; when I was brought low he saved me. Return, o my soul, to your rest; for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.

For you have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling; I will walk before the LORD in the land of the living.

I believed when I spoke "I am greatly afflicted." and I said in my alarm, "all mankind are liars."

What shall I render to the LORD for all his benefits to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation, and call on the name of the LORD.
I will pay my vows to the LORD in the presence of all of his people.

Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints.
O, LORD, I am your servant; I am your servant, the child of your maidservant. You have loosed my bonds. I will offer to you the sacrifice of thanksgiving and call on the name of the LORD. I will pay my vows to the LORD in the presence of all of his people, in the courts of the house of the LORD, in your midst, O Jerusalem.

Praise the LORD!!!!